Mischief Night

"Hey Xavier, you ready to head out?"

"Yeah man, just let me grab my phone. Now what are we going to do tonight? You didn't exactly specify when you brought this up this afternoon."

"I suppose you can say it's a bit of a, uh, 'town tradition'…so to speak."

"Kenneth, I just moved here a few weeks ago. I'm glad to have you as a friend so soon, but I am NOT doing anything illegal just because it's 'tradition'. My mom would flip her lid if she had to bail me out."

"We're not doing anything illegal! Jeezus, what do you take me for?"

"I'm just saying…it's the night before Halloween and I don't want to be part of some elaborate prank just so I can get in trouble later on."

"Ok, I won't lie to you: it is technically 'elaborate' but it certainly is no prank."

"It better not be."

"It isn't. I swear."

"Fine, I believe you."

"You just have to promise not to freak out."

"…I take back my previous statement."

"Xavier. Come on. Trust me!"

"Sigh. I promise not to freak out. Happy now?"

"Immensely. Now, I wanted to let you in on the specifics of this tradition before…well, you'll see."

"And just what exactly is this 'tradition' anyway?"

"Well…it, um, involves our…resident monster."

"…"

"…"

"…You're kidding, right?"

"Not at all."

"I was expecting a prank but this is pretty half-assed, dude. A monster? Really? You thought I'd fall for that?"

"Dude, it's not a prank and I can prove it now that we're here. Just take a look around this tree. And don't freak out."

"…I don't see anything. Just that really big plant sculpture. Or whatever they call those things. Topiaries, I think?"

"Take a closer look. And don't freak out."

"Will you stop telling me that? There's nothing to freak out abou-!"

"Do you see it?"

"Is…is that thing…breathing?!"

"That would be Penelope."

"THAT THING HAS A NAME?!"

"Keep your voice down! She'd be upset if she heard you calling her that."

"SHE? UPSET?!"

"Will you keep it together? You promised you wouldn't freak out."

"That was before I saw a FREAKING MONSTER. How is this-?!"

"That's what I'm going to explain right now. Penelope's lived here for at least 100 years-!"

"ONE HUNDRED-?!"

"SHHHHH!"

"Sorry. One hundred years?"

"Yeah, apparently that's still pretty young for her kind or something. Anyway, the way she tells it is that she was assigned to be this town's resident urban legend or something like that. Kinda like a neighborhood witch or haunted house, I guess."

"…She was assigned?"

"Again, she says every town has to have at least one. Part of being employed by the Magical and Mythical Beasts Regulation Agency."

"…Are you sure this isn't some elaborate prank?"

"Xavier, will you let me finish?"

"Go on, I doubt it can get any crazier than what you've already told me."

"Actually…"

"Great."

"The thing about Penelope is that…well…she likes Humans."

"To eat?!"

"To befriend."

"What?"

"She's a big part of the community. Loves helping people out for anything they'd need. Also makes cakes and cookies for new neighbors or bake sales and stuff like that."

"Wait a second…those pumpkin spice cookies at the party my parents had when we moved in…the ones from…she's THAT Penelope?"

"Yeah. Couldn't exactly introduce herself without scaring the bejeezus out of you, now could she?"

"Er…but if it's part of her job…"

"You're not listening. Yes, it's her job but she doesn't actually like scaring people. Well, except…"

"Except?!"

"She doesn't always have to terrify the residents of the town she's assigned to, but there are a few days out of the year where she has to meet a quota to keep her position."

"…Wait, so…is that why…?"

"Why I brought you out here to explain this all to you tonight rather than tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

"Pretty much. Penelope's actually a really nice person…er, monster, once you get to know her, but the thing is she's really, um…"

"Really bad at scaring people on purpose?"

"Yeah…"

"I was wondering why she's been giggling to herself this entire time."

"And that's where WE come in. Since she's been so nice to everyone, we figure the least we can do is help her meet her quota on those nights of the year when she has to make them, you know? But we don't want her thinking we're taking pity on her or anything by only pretending to be scared…if you understand."

"Crystal clear. So what exactly are we supposed to do?"

"Just walk past her and let her do her thing. She'll probably introduce herself afterwards since you're new in town."

"…"

"What do you say…are you in?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Hell yeah I'm in! Those cookies were delicious!"